I went to see the doctor today about my insomnia. I told him I haven't fallen asleep unaided in over two months. Surely this isn't normal. Surely? His advice was to take a bath before bed. Umm, dude, if I spend anymore time in the tub, I'm going to have to start paying rent on it. He told me to exercise. Listen, no amount of stairmastering is going to put my brain to rest when it's time to lay down. Believe me, I tried. The good news is, my thighs are totally starting to show muscle definition! But the sleep, doc. The sleep! His solution was to write me another prescription for a month's worth of sleeping pills. *sigh*

And another thing: how do we make men become honest beings? I mean, seriously. If you're not glad to hear from me, then don't say you are. And if you're just going to run and hide and play stupid "go away from me girl" boy games, then don't pretend like you're interested in me. If you complain about princesses and insist you don't want one, then don't get disappointed with me when you find out I'm really, actually not a princess. Just be upfront, man. Believe me, I am not suffering some tragic loss because you don't think I'm worth your time. Believe me on that one, Mr. Flatters Himself Too Highly. I am an awesome person to know. And you should be glad for the chance to know me!

So I'm all on this big 'turn me around' kick, right? And that's cool and everything, but it's a bloody difficult thing to do to let go of your control. I'm supposed to be all, "Hey man, everything is cool, whatever happens" and I'm working on it, but it doesn't come naturally for me. There's a man I work with and he inspires me. He really doesn't care about his flesh and blood, because they're temporary. He has this way of looking at everything for what it is, instead of what it can do for him. He clasps my hands and tells me I'm a beautiful woman and that he's so relieved that I'm feeling better. His love is genuine and selfless and I think, man, I want to be just like you. So completely unconcerned with yourself that you can actually see and respond to the people around you properly.

I still have that paper to do. The subject, something I once reveled in, feels so foreign to me now. I have a lousy work ethic. I have all these amazing things at my finger tips and I'm like, meh. It's my own fault if I fall on my ass now.

And another thing, today is my mom's birthday. I've been thinking about her all day. I can look at pictures of her now without feeling the sting I used to. I think it's time to unpack that box of stuff I took away from her apartment. It's time to get her personal things back from Rob's parents' house. It's time to put her back into my heart and my memory with fondness rather than despairing ache. It's good. I want to live in a way that honours the mother she was, and the way she raised me. I had a good mother.

I just filled the tub. Time for another bath. I wouldn't want to not be able to fall asleep after all.