The Kid Ain't Bad... That's Just His Mother

Poor Joshua.

I've been complaining and whining and crying about how miserable a baby he is, and really kind of ruining his reputation, when all this time he was fine... it was me that was the problem. How'd he end up with such a crappy mom? Bum deal.

Anyway, Andrew's mom gave me a book for Christmas about "calming, connecting and communicating" with one's baby. I started to read it the moment I opened it and left the other presents (and Andrew) sitting there waiting for some attention. But by that point, I was so desperate for some kind of help (after trying every medicinal, homeopathic, and folk treatment for colic I could find) that I couldn't wait a second longer to see if maybe this finally offered some answers.

Boy howdy. Did it ever. The kid wasn't colicky. He was tired. Overtired. Strung out. Exhausted. And it was all my fault. Why don't babies come with instruction manuals, like new cooking appliances? You know, like, every six months, make sure you season your cast iron frying pans. That kind of thing. If Josh had come with a manual, I would have learned much earlier on that he needs to be put down for a nap every two hours. Surprisingly, a newborn baby isn't able to tell his shell shocked mother that she has to swaddle him tightly in a blanket, darken the room, and lay him down in his crib when he starts to fuss and wail. Here I was thinking he was alright in the morning but as the day went on, he grew more and more agitated and impossible to be around. I thought babies slept, you know, like babies. I honestly figured they went to sleep when they were sleepy and that you just sorta needed to stand back and let them do their thing. The R on my forehead is for "Retard".

This whole motherhood business has been the most humbling thing I've ever done. I think about watching my little boy struggling and crying, and the cursing and screaming into my pillow, and it makes my heart bleed out a little bit. Thank God the hell is over.

Every mother-to-be I meet is getting a copy of this book from now on.