Last night, I tried to put Josh to sleep from 8:30 until 11 p.m. when I finally gave up and took him into the bed with me. I lay there crying, completely unable to imagine why no one I've talked to, not one person, has had an experience like mine. Everyone says, "Oh, I was really lucky. He/she went down very easily/slept all night/only woke up once in the night/very rarely cried at bedtime/slept in the crib with no problem..." It makes me feel like I'm either the worst mother on the earth, or that I've got the worst baby ever.

Here are a list of things that Josh doesn't like:

the car
the swing
the sling
the stroller
the vibrating chair
soothers
the streetcar
sleeping longer than 45 minutes at a stretch
me

Here is a list of the things that Josh does like:

nursing
baths

Every book I read says that babies his age need to sleep between 15 and 18 hours a day (ha ha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and that at his age, he shouldn't be waking up more than once a night. Oh. Well, I'm afraid Josh hasn't had a chance to read these books yet. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. And if I hear, "Well, you just need to get him on a routine and it will all work out" one more time, I'm going to stab myself in the ears. I'd love to put him on a schedule, but for some reason, HE WON'T BLOODY TAKE TO ONE.

I love him, but I hate being his mother. I'm terrible at it. And everyone says it's going to get better, but you know what? I don't think it will. It hasn't, and it doesn't look hopeful. And I'm the one who's going to be responsible for his behavioural problems and his ADHD and his poor grades and all of that because I can't figure out how to get him to go to and stay asleep.

Last night I fantasized about killing myself and just leaving him to someone more adept at parenting. At least then he'd have a fighting chance.

I wish there was someone I could talk to. I wish there was some help, somewhere.