The days of hating Josh are over. I guess baby's really do turn a corner at 3 months. I get him now. I understand his game. Now I stare at him in wonder. Is this little person really from my body? Is he reall mine to care for and raise up?

I put him in his exersaucer and stare down at him from above. I reel when I see his vulnerability. I cringe and think, God, please don't let anyone get him. Don't let anyone take advantage of his sweetness. Please keep him safe from violation.

The thing is, I don't think I could live if I knew that someone had hurt my baby and I couldn't protect him. For now, it's okay. We're cozied up in our little apartment, and we're safe together. Except, one day, we're going to have to leave the haven and go separate ways. I now understand why my mother always said she never slept until she knew I was home, safe. Even when I was in my late teens, she still said that. I always thought she was overreacting and ridiculous. I get it now.