My Salome Nature

Somewhere along the way you realize the desire to be perfect is not the accomplishment of that feat. Either that paralyzes you, or you make your peace with it. This is my attempt at peace.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

There's a picture of me on the front page of this blog. In it, I am young and beautiful and thin and maybe even a bit smug about the whole thing. Today, my friend sent a photo from the weekend, with Josh on my lap and me leaning in to snuggle him. I am smiling, to be sure, but the smugness is gone. In that smile, I can see also the awareness that I have allowed things to get out of hand. I look like a swollen version of myself. I am padded and round; I am returning to the girl I was in highschool.

Why, after so many years of having this under control, am I now facing this breakdown of discipline and careful attention to my eating and exercising habits? What started out as a "treat" on occassion has become the status quo, and I don't even consider points any longer when I'm stuffing my face with whatever is in front of me. I had become so accustomed to eating the correct amounts of food that I never even counted anymore - I just knew how much to take, and I almost never over-indulged. I want to go back to that time. That 27 year old me, that 29 year old me, that 31 year old me... all better versions than this one. I keep saying I want to go back, but somehow, when the time comes to exercise some control and reserve, I excuse myself and become permissible. I don't even consider the consequences of wild abandon and now I'm paying for it. I'm paying for it with a photo that I want to keep nearby, to remind me of how bad it's become and to encourage me to stop before I go back to the same place I was before - the place where I cried so much and hated myself.

Having a child on my own is not easy. Whereas I would go to the gym at the end of the work day, now I have to go to the daycare and then return home. The only time for working out is after he's gone to bed (and we've done the back and forth - "Mama, can I have another story?" "No. Go to sleep." "Mama, can I sleep in your bed?" "No. Go to sleep." "Mama, I have to go pee pee!" "Okay, hurry up, and then get back into bed and go to sleep!!!" What happened to those perfect evenings when I'd put him down in his room and not hear another peep out of him until morning?) Anyway, by the time I'm able to exercise, it's usually after 9 p.m. and that feels late to be getting all worked up. Still, some exercise is better than no exercise and I really, really don't want to go back. I started a yoga class at work, and it was kyboshed for liability reasons, so there goes that option. I want to walk on my lunch breaks, all through snooty Rosedale, but the weather is so cold that the motivation to get outside is pretty low. Really, it comes down to self-control. Weight Watchers isn't working this time, and I have no anti-depressant pills to induce anorexia, and I'm not nursing to burn off those calories making milk... I have nothing in my arsenal except my weak and dying discipline. (So many things could benefit from more discipline in my life, e.g., effective use of my work day!) So now, how to breathe life and energy into this discipline and make the changes necessary? The trick with me is, they have to be incorporated without much pomp & circumstance, or that fire burns too hot and fast and it's out before it's done any good. Slow and steady, careful steps, small changes, lots more "no's". I can get there. I can get there. I can get there. I can get there.

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