I Knew You Could!

So, as always happens, when I'm desperate about life and sad to the gills, I find my way into a book store to see if anything can drown me for awhile. This time, I found a book, but it definitely wasn't what I was expecting. I found my hope in a children's book, and I bought it (for both me and Josh.)

I knew you could! And you knew it too --
That you'd come out on top after all you've been through.
And from here you'll go farther and see brand-new sights.
You'll face brand-new hills that rise to new heights.

You'll go through tunnels, surrounded by dark.
And you'll wish for a light or even a spark.
You might get scared or a little bit sad,
Wondering if maybe your track has gone bad.

So here's some advice to help ease your doubt:
The track you took in must also go out.
So steady yoursef and just keep on going--
Before you know it, some light will be showing.
And then you'll be out, heading to a new place
You'll be ready for the next tunnel you face.

Home Sweet Home

Well, I'm in now. It's been an interesting few days, if I can use understatement here. The day before the move, I broke my big toe. Then, I almost set the kitchen of the new place on fire. AND I had a visit with my ex's parents to collect the furniture stored in their basement. All in one sweet day.

The move day itself was a masterpiece. Swift, uncomplicated, easy. Even in the heat (just so's you know, I had picked what turned out to be the hottest day of the summer thus far for moving. That's right.) Well, maybe it was easy for me because I wasn't lifting anything up and down the stairs, on account of my bad toe and all. But my friends proved themselves extrodinary all over again by forming a line up the stairs and passing the boxes and furniture up to the top where more people were waiting for me to give direction as to their places in my new home. There were four or five teenage boys here even, and they blew my mind with their hard work. I cannot believe how many people showed up to help. A few of my friends stayed late to make sure the air conditioners were installed (hallelujah!) and to put away my clothes, make the bed, unpack the kitchen... and then we had a lovely meal with a big, fat toast to happiness in the new place.

The morning after, I opened my door to a man smoking crack outside my house. Nothing says "welcome to the neighbourhood!" like illicit, destructive drug use right on your front stoop. Then, when we returned from Josh's first trip to daycare (waaa waaaahhhhhh!) we got to witness a couple more fellows engaged in a little dealing. It was all very Miamia Vice, short of a few cops in pastel suits to save the day.

This afternoon, Josh and I went to a nearby park to have a little picnic after daycare. There are no words to describe the old lady I saw walking her dog, wearing a t-shirt that said, "Huff my Lysol". So I'll leave it at that.

Anyway, it's not all boohoo and woe-is-me. Friends, this is the sweetest, most delectable place I've ever lived in. I have so much room I can't even think of what to do with it all. This is like, an adult's place. And it looks beautiful. I'll take some photos and post them because it's just so lovely (so long as I don't open the door to the outside.) And I'm so close to everything. I can walk to work in five short minutes. I can walk to the Eaton Centre in ten. I can walk to the gym, I can walk to Sharon & Shannon's, I can walk to the grocery store, drug store, hardware store, coffee shop and bank, all with lots of time to spare. I could get used to this.

Hope you all had a great weekend. I'm bagged with a capital BAG. Good night.

Good Lord, things are busy. I had a million things to do to get my daycare subsidy in place. My very good friends up the street lost their father yesterday. I had to borrow a car to go buy an air conditioner. And, I am moving downtown in two days. I went to pick up the keys yesterday, and turned down the alleyway next to my building just in time to see a crackwhore giving a guy a blowjob.

Yes, this is my new neighbourhood. This is the place where I will be living with my son (at least for the time being.) It's so sad. I used to look upon these people with such compassion and sympathy. Even while I was pregnant, and a very troubled woman grabbed me while I was walking to work, I still felt like I wanted to be there, and wanted to help in whatever way I could... but now, all I feel is threatened. All of the addicts, all of the dealers, all of the prostitutes, all of the guns, all of the desperate people... it just equals danger to me. Danger to Josh. How will I keep him safe from the harm that is so present and looming around every corner?

I am leaving my peaceful little middle class community on the lake (with only a smattering of nearly harmless crack addicts & pimps) to move into one of the scariest places I can think of in Toronto. And I'm taking my 8 month old son with me. Am I stoned?

I have to keep thinking positively. I have to keep hoping and trying to get past my fear, and remember why I do what I do, and why it's important for me to be close by. Gah, perspective is so hard when your blood pressure is through the roof and your heart is racing.

The good news is, I will be so close by to some of my dearest friends (who also happen to be my co-workers. How cool is that?) I spoke to one of them about starting up a small group/Bible study for those of us who don't belong to a typical church community, and we're excited about seeing what could come of that. I would really appreciate having a group of trusted friends to pray with, especially now that I feel so vulnerable in my living situation.

Okay, well, it's almost 8 a.m. and I've got to get the packing started for the day.

May the road rise up to meet you,
may the wind be always at your back,
may the sun shine warm upon your face,
and may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

I've been quiet for a long time. I just haven't had much to say.

I've been vacillating between packing up my stuff here and getting ready to move into the apartment downtown, and just taking off and starting over in B.C. I've come pretty close, too.

But I just don't think the time is right yet. I've got a pretty good situation here, what with my daycare subsidy and Josh in the daycare across the hall from my office. And I've got lots of good people around my new neighbourhood (and lots of bad, too, sadly. It's where you go in Toronto to get shot these days), and of course, there's my church community which is just about the most important lifeline I have. Did I ever mention that Josh's middle name was chosen in honour of my pastor? Joshua Matthew. He's exactly the kind of man I'd like Josh to grow up to be.

I'm off for a week of fun and frolic in Muskoka. Right after I write this. Then I guess I move and go back to work and life returns to "normal" (ha. Whatever that is.)

Mediocre, maybe.

Have a good week.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Words of Affirmation
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Words of Affirmation:		12
Physical Touch:		8
Quality Time:		7
Acts of Service:		3
Receiving Gifts:		0

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz