My Salome Nature

Somewhere along the way you realize the desire to be perfect is not the accomplishment of that feat. Either that paralyzes you, or you make your peace with it. This is my attempt at peace.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I just filled out my Intention to Vacate form. It's such a bittersweet feeling. I love this apartment. It's seen me through a lot of bad stuff and it's held me safe. It's been the place where I rebuilt my life after my mom died, after my relationship ended, after I had Josh... and now I have to leave it. I love the neighbourhood I'm in. I love the people who work in the shops around here. I love living on the water.

Off to stinky downtown, where the smog and humidity settles and sticks to the valleys between the buildings. Off to an attic bedroom, where the opressive heat will melt me down to a goopy puddle.

But, I will be closer to work. I'll be closer to daycare, the gym, my friends who work at the Mission... yes, there are definitely huge benefits. I just wish I didn't feel so sad about the whole thing.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Who ordered more colic?!

Tonight is reminiscent of Josh's 2nd month of life.

It's not looking good for him at all. Pray for him; he'll need it.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Good weekend? Yes.


So, my fantabulous friends J & D, who live in London, sent me and Josh a ticket to head out to their place for some chillaxin (as the kids say today) and we were glad to take them up on it! Josh didn't have such a fun time on the train there, but that was probably my fault. I didn't time his naps as well as I could have. He passed out in the car as soon as they picked us up, and then I ninja fought John to pay for some of the food we purchased from a fancy-pants grocery store. But he was far too stealth for me.

I had such a great time with these folks. They are truly salt-of-the-earth people and the world is sorely in need of more like them. It was good to connect on a lot of things that we've shared this past year, and to give voice to some of my struggles to people who totally get it. I was so glad to hear about their experiences as well.



They really got on well with Josh. If two people were ever meant to be parents, it's them. I cannot wait for them to have a little one of their own. That child will be so loved and blessed. Visiting with them was like going to baby heaven. They have everything you could possibly need to take care of a little person, and they're naturally good with babies. It was such a relief to relax and not have to be "on" for once. I knew there would be extra hands to help with everything and it made me a little wistful for a family around me. I really didn't want to leave. They have such a great home on a great street in a great town. I felt pretty sad to come back to my squishy little apartment.

The train ride home was pretty good, although I tried to read a magazine and Josh was not very pleased with that at all. In fact, he wanted to have his own go at it, so I sacrificed my Real Simple on the alter of Happy Baby. It's unfortunate that he managed to eat half of the cover before I realized what he was doing, but I figure the fibre can't hurt.

We're back home now and trying to get back into our usual routine. Status quo: Josh never sleeps long enough.

Bye.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Talking 'bout my generation.


I feel very privileged to be a part of this generation of mothers. I like that we've come back from the far end of the pendulum swing that scorned everything from the "patriarchal age" without going so far the other way that we ended up in Mrs. Clever's kitchen. Most of the mothers around my age don't automatically default to formula the way our mothers did -- we've got a better understanding of the benefits of breastfeeding and we're willing to give it a good try before feeding our babies from a bottle.

Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon making babyfood, and I really enjoy it! I love knowing that I'm in control of everything that goes into my baby's dinner. And what I love even more is the thinking around baby food that I notice more and more with the mothers I encounter today -- most of us make our own food and think nothing of it.

And while I'm still in the minority for using cloth diapers, I know more and more women are researching that option, and recognizing that we only have one planet to leave to our children, are giving it a shot at least. The good news is that cloth diapers are a whole bunch easier than they were when our mothers and their mothers used them. One extra load of laundry every three days and you're done. No pins, no folding, no leaky messes.

As well, I'm grateful to have become a mother in an era in which the benefit of mothering a young infant has been made a priority over work, and now the government will help fund parents to take up to 52 weeks off work to do that.

And finally, I'd just like to say how truly thankful I am for the invention of the exersaucer...

:)

Friday, May 12, 2006

We'll take it!

So, after much worrying, stressing, calculating, fretting, and finally, praying, I have decided to take the apartment downtown after all. It's two blocks away from work. It's closer to the friends I work with and it's next door to some other people who go to a church nearby and they have a significant, baby-friendly relationship with the current tenants (who also have a baby around Josh's age) and are encouraged by the news that Josh and I have taken the apartment over. The second bedroom is decorated as a baby boy's nursery. I can put in a washer/dryer and the landlord pays hydro. Though I am poorer than a church mouse, it all works out somehow.

I'm moving July 15. And I'm pretty geeked about it, though I'm sure I'll lose most of my friends when I ask them to help me move in the middle of a long, hot summer.

In other news, Josh has cut another tooth. It's a regular party in there these days.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

In our house, Ferber is the F word.

Last night, I offered Josh 50 bucks if he'd just go back to sleep. He refused. This kid plays hardball.

I'm sick. Josh is sick. Sucky times.

Need to put head down in horizontal position. Bye.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Ferber: Night 5

Time: 11:45 p.m.

Hours slept thus far: 3

Minutes spent crying thus far: 45

Number of murderous thoughts: 3

Number of times Ferber method questioned and/or cursed in my addled brain: countless


And the scariest part? This is just the first wake up. There's still two more to go tonight! This kid is killer, man. It's so hard to love him when he's screaming.
Last night, I failed Dr. Ferber.

I discovered that Josh would go back to sleep if the little aquarium attached to his crib played a lullaby and if the soother was in his mouth and if the blanket was wrapped around him tightly. Rather than let him cry for 2 or 3 hours, I just kept getting up and turning on the aquarium, sticking the soother in and wrapping the blanket tighter. Josh would return to sleep within a minute or two. The problem is, I had to do it about 60 times throughout the night and I realized I'm in the same place I was before. I gave up and took him into the bed with me at 4 a.m. because I was so bloody unbearably exhausted that I couldn't handle another two or three hours of getting up and making sure all his conditions were "just so". Neither could I handle another 2 hours of crying and going in to comfort him every 15 minutes. I can't seem to do this. I wish he would have figured it out within a few days like everyone says they do, but he didn't and I've screwed up even the precedent that I set over the last few days. I can't figure out what to do next. Do I go back in for another 5 nights of no sleep? What if he still hasn't figured it out by then? Even his naps are affected now. Whereas he used to sleep for 1.5 - 2 hours, now he's back to only sleeping for 45 minutes. I done screwed this one up but good.

I need a bigger apartment!!

I so desperately want to take the one I saw recently. The bedroom for Josh would be on a different floor and I could let him cry without feeling like I was going to have to go in and punch him in the head. I feel so bad saying that. The problem is, in our tiny shared bedroom, every move I make disturbs him. If I roll over, he hears me and wakes up. If I cough, it wakes him. It's like everything in him is tuned to me and the fact that he's not sleeping in the bed with me, nursing. So I try to sleep out on the couch, but our apartment is so small that I can still hear him like I'm in the same room and it makes me madder and madder. It's not fair to get mad, either, because he's only reacting to the changes I've implemented and he's not happy with them. I don't blame him. I've suddenly told him he's not going to get to snuggle up with me and kick me in the ribs all night and nurse and cry if he wants to change sides. It's a hard transition, but man, that kid has willpower. I hope he goes into sales or something. He'll be able to wear anyone down.

By the way, he turned six months old yesterday. I couldn't write anything about it though because I was so crapped out from his marathon cry the night before. Yeah, six months. And one tooth. And can sit up on his own and play (sometimes falls over, bangs head), most hair has grown back, wears 12 months clothing. Six months of never having slept through the night. Not once. Ha. I'm such a bombsite.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Ferber: Night 4

Time: 3:30 a.m.

Crying thus far: 45 minutes.


Josh doesn't seem to be getting it.


I'm going to die of exhaustion. I think I'm serious.


Update: 4:30 a.m.

Josh still crying. Isn't this supposed to get better, not worse?

Friday, May 05, 2006

The good thing about Ferber...

... is there's lots of opportunity to get things done. In the middle of the night. When nobody else is awake except you, you sad sack with your crying, unhappy baby... gah. Night 3. It's 3:30 a.m. Josh is finally back to sleep after 1 hour and 15 minutes. I finally went in and wrapped him up tight in a blanket because his arms and legs were flailing so much, he was getting himself worked up.

I saw the most amazing apartment today. Two blocks from work. Gorgeous, two floors, two bedrooms, lots and lots of space, in the kind of house I've always wanted to live in... and the rent is more than half of my pay. I have been sitting here trying to justify spending that much money on a place and wondering if there's any way he'd give me a deal on the rent, but with a house that beautiful and an apartment that big in downtown Toronto, I can't see why he would. I have been praying and hoping and wishing... I am going to be so sad to have to say no, because it's fairly impossible for me to carry that rent. I guess I should go back to sleep now because sitting up all night blogging about it isn't going to make it somehow happen for us.

God, what now?

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


Last year, my friend Alwynn wrote a journal entry about "Ferberizing" her son. I didn't know what it was, but I wondered if I should call CAS or something. It turned out to be the thing that saved her and her husband from having to sleep with their son for the rest of his life. I put it in the back of my mind, thinking that maybe some day, I'd need to know how to Ferberize my as-yet unborn child. Well, that day has arrived.

He's almost six months (as of Saturday) and I'm at my limit. I haven't slept through the night since November 6. NOVEMBER 6. The reason I hadn't tried it sooner was because of all the scary things I'd read and heard about it. Toronto Public Health treats it like child abuse. There are sites on the internet (that cater mostly to tree-hugging crunchy granolas like myself) that make it out to be a demonic activity that proves to your child that you just don't love him. I had read several others books as well that seemed to advocate a much kinder approach to sleep training. Well you know what? NONE OF IT WORKED. And I finally got to the end of my rope and asked Alwynn if I could borrow her book. She sent it to me in the mail. The first chapter is called "At the end of my rope". I knew I'd stumbled onto something important.

Last night was our first night. Not fantastic, but not so bad, you know? Josh cried for about an hour when I first put him down, but I went in and comforted him in the specified intervals and eventually, he went to sleep. He woke up at 10:30 and I gave him a bottle as I typically do, because I didn't want him to go from nursing all night to absolutely nothing. Then the roughest patch was at 3:15 (until 4:45 a.m.) but he did go back to sleep until 6:45 this morning. Hopefully this will improve as we continue to follow the guidelines Dr. Ferber has developed. I can't go back to work on such little sleep, and if it's going to take him a month to really learn it, I want to have that firmly in place before trying to take on my job in the daytime.

In other news, I listened to a lot of Sheryl Crow yesterday. Most of her songs got me in some way or another (A change would do you good, are you strong enough to be my man, you're my favourite mistake, etc.) but when I heard the duet, "The Difficult Kind" with Sarah McLachlan, I kind of lost it for awhile. "Tell it to me slow, tell me with your eyes. If anyone should know how to let it slide... I swear I can see you coming up the drive, and there ain't nothing like regret to remind you you're alive. If you could only see what love has made of me, then I'd no longer be in your mind the difficult kind, 'cause babe I've changed." Knives, man. Knives.

So, today, it's back to Ferber and maybe some Stevie Wonder instead.