Reply to some comments

Since I don't think many of you go back and read the comments section, I never get a chance to respond to what you've said in response to some of the posts I've made. I just wanted to do that here:

Alwynn:
Merci, danke, gracias. I will not, however, be asking you for any rides anywhere as you are an exhausted working mother and need to get your ass some rest.
As for the carseat bag, yes, that's an awesome invention and I do have one. The problem is, I don't have a car to put the carseat in, and lugging it around on the TTC is preparation for a chiropractor's visit. The reason I need a snowsuit is so I can wear Josh outside instead of relying on a stroller, which is also a huge pain in the ass on the TTC.

Ericka:
Josh is wearing six month clothing right now. I suspect he will have outgrown that size by Thursday, however. I'd say it's something he's eating, but unless my breastmilk is super-charged, I can't think of anything that's making him so big. Also, you don't need to send me any Carter's stuff (but if you do, I will take lots of photos and boast about what a cutie he is. You should have seen him today. I had him in this white fluffy outfit that Alwynn brought back from one of her trips to the States and the kid looks good enough to eat. I swear it to heaven.) I think using just regular post is the way to go so there are no customs fees charged. We have the ability to insure our packages here... I'm not sure how USPS works though.

Also, I wanted to let you know that my midwives did tell me to swaddle Josh when he was born, but they didn't tell me that he would struggle and fight against it, and that it didn't mean I should let him out, but that I should swaddle him more tightly so he wouldn't be able to flail at all. Once I got the hang of that, Josh settled much more quickly. I learned that from a book, and the book was AWESOME (thanks again, Alwynn!) I think there's a huge deficit in what our mothers are able to learn at the hospital though, because they're in and out so quickly and the hospitals are so over-full and under-staffed. I went home 3 hours after Josh was born. I just wanted to be in my own bed and I wouldn't have listened to a nurse at that point, I don't think. My midwives came to visit lots in the first three weeks, though, and that was really great. It saved me having to take him to a doctor's office or anything like that.

Trent:
Thanks for offering the carseat contraption (assuming you found it) but it's okay. I don't need a snowsuit for the carseat, I need a car for the carseat. Do you have one of those lying around somewhere?

Kristina:
Thank you so much for taking me to Sherway and for buying me lunch and for being a calm presence around Josh so that he went to sleep -- TWICE! Yay! I really had a great time wandering around the mall and looking at all the stuff we couldn't afford. Let's do it again soon, even if you are a big fat "Mommy" sellout. Ha.

Renee:
Watch that mailbox. There's some good stuff on the way. :) :)

Wanted: One Ride to the Mall

I'm not sure that I've fully exhausted all my opportunities for complaining on here yet, so here's another: I need to get to the bloody mall!

Can I get there? Yes, technically, I can. It will take me over an hour on the bus, though, and that would leave me with approximately 15 seconds leftover before Josh has a meltdown and needs to return home to be put to bed properly. Oh no, not one of those take-anywhere boys is my wee son. Here's the dilemma: Josh's dad got him a snowsuit for Christmas. A 9 month snowsuit. (let me point out here that Josh was 7 weeks old on Christmas day.) Naturally, the thing is gigantic and putting him in it is somewhat like dumping him in the Bemuda Triangle. So I have to get to the mall and exchange it for a smaller one. But to get to the mall, I need to put Josh in a snowsuit so he doesn't freeze. But to get a snowsuit that fits Josh, I have to get to the mall. The vicious cycle continues endlessly.

There are other things I need at the mall. Like presents for friends whose birthdays and important events have been sacrificed on the altar of Singlemotherwith2montholdbabyandnocar. Other mothers have it together better than I do. I don't know who let me into this club in the first place.

Today, we have to go to church. It's 1 hour on the streetcar there and normally we have a ride back, but today things are tricky. Today, we have to take the streetcar home, too, and that may very well result in bedlam. To all my fellow TTC travellers: I apologize in advance.

So, I'm sick.

And in becoming sick, I've encountered the next challenge of single parenting. Who do you pass the kid off to so you can lie down and die for awhile? Gone are the days of doping yourself up on Nyquil and calling it a day at 6:30 p.m. Last night, I had to take Josh into the bed with me and hope he wouldn't notice that we weren't doing anything for four hours. Then, because I'd taken such a long (albeit frequently interrupted) nap, I couldn't sleep again until 3 a.m. Josh was up at about 5 and ready to party. I called up God and asked for some reprieve. God was busy.

Another thing that I've found hard is the idea of balancing one's identity pre-kid with one's new identity as a mother. It's been really hard, in fact. I get a little wiggy when someone says, "Yes, but you're a mother now", as if it usurps every single component of my being. I know I'm a mother now. But I'm also still a 30 year old women with lots of plans and some big goals and all my idiosyncratic shit that didn't mysteriously fall by the way side once Josh popped out of my vagina. When I was visiting the Baby Whisperer message boards (leaving posts that looked like this, "PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME I'M GOING TO PUT MY SON UP FOR ADOPTION") I rarely found a woman who identified herself by her own name. Everyone was "Tristan's Mommy" or "Mom2Jaden". I don't know. Maybe they're also women who feel good about being known as Mrs. John Doe or whatever. I love Josh, and I love being his mother (especially now that his colic is subsiding and we're actually able to have some conversations that don't involve screaming and tears), but I'm still Maryellen. Or maybe these women know something I don't. If I had adopted the moniker "Mom2Josh", perhaps we could have avoided the last 2.5 months of hell, in which case, I'd have happily sold myself out.

But man, what I wouldn't give this morning for a trade-in on my nose, ears and throat.

If Josh had a think bubble over his head...

It would say, "Oh my gosh, look at the size of my package!"

The Kid Ain't Bad... That's Just His Mother

Poor Joshua.

I've been complaining and whining and crying about how miserable a baby he is, and really kind of ruining his reputation, when all this time he was fine... it was me that was the problem. How'd he end up with such a crappy mom? Bum deal.

Anyway, Andrew's mom gave me a book for Christmas about "calming, connecting and communicating" with one's baby. I started to read it the moment I opened it and left the other presents (and Andrew) sitting there waiting for some attention. But by that point, I was so desperate for some kind of help (after trying every medicinal, homeopathic, and folk treatment for colic I could find) that I couldn't wait a second longer to see if maybe this finally offered some answers.

Boy howdy. Did it ever. The kid wasn't colicky. He was tired. Overtired. Strung out. Exhausted. And it was all my fault. Why don't babies come with instruction manuals, like new cooking appliances? You know, like, every six months, make sure you season your cast iron frying pans. That kind of thing. If Josh had come with a manual, I would have learned much earlier on that he needs to be put down for a nap every two hours. Surprisingly, a newborn baby isn't able to tell his shell shocked mother that she has to swaddle him tightly in a blanket, darken the room, and lay him down in his crib when he starts to fuss and wail. Here I was thinking he was alright in the morning but as the day went on, he grew more and more agitated and impossible to be around. I thought babies slept, you know, like babies. I honestly figured they went to sleep when they were sleepy and that you just sorta needed to stand back and let them do their thing. The R on my forehead is for "Retard".

This whole motherhood business has been the most humbling thing I've ever done. I think about watching my little boy struggling and crying, and the cursing and screaming into my pillow, and it makes my heart bleed out a little bit. Thank God the hell is over.

Every mother-to-be I meet is getting a copy of this book from now on.

You're 2 Months Old Today

Dear Josh,

Today, you turned 2 months old. We're celebrating with a nap. I'm still struggling so much to teach you how to go to sleep. Every nap time and bed time is a huge fight. Today, I put you down at 10:08. It's now 10:52 and you've just drifted off. This is after 15 minutes of crying by yourself, and all the rest was crying while I rocked and sang to you, and then put on the white noise that seems to be the only thing that helps you drift off. I put in almost an hour effort to get you to sleep, but it only yields a half hour return. Not fair.

I'm getting more and more sleep deprived. You won't sleep in the crib by yourself, and since you've done that whole choking thing more and more often, I'm paranoid to leave you in there by yourself anyway. Last night, I tried to put you down at 7:30. You were awake 15 minutes later. Then I put you down again and you fought me for an hour and a half until I finally gave up and took you into the bed with me. The problem is, you kick and flail and whine and look to nurse all night and I wake up more tired than when I went to sleep. We have to find a solution, soon. It's making me psychotic.

I pray all the time for help. That we'll find something that connects, that you'll finally be okay with going to sleep, that we'll meet someone who can suggest something that actually works. I've read the Baby Whisperer and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby and I've spent hours on line doing research... but nothing is working. I don't know how to help you go to sleep, and I think you're chronically overtired.

Let's hope the next month of your life is better than this one has been. I'm desperate.

Love,
Mama

I'm going to kill myself.

Friday: Josh cried for 10.5 hours.

Saturday: Josh cried from 6 p.m. until 2:00 a.m. when I finally caved and brought him into the bed with me and nursed him all night long.

Sunday: Josh has cried for 40 minutes so far, and I know it's only going to get worse. It's going to be another night of incessant, intolerable crying, which makes me cry and want to punch my fist through the wall.

It's so not right to love a baby this much and simultaneously hate his guts.


Those of you about to have children: Get out now while you still can!!!

Oh, and if you've been trying to arrange a time to come visit, I'm sorry that I"ve been so remiss in getting back to you about that. It's just not a good time, and I never have a moment to get to the phone anyway. I'm so sorry.